Police are investigating an incident in which a man was assaulted by a Vulcan. An altercation broke out during a post convention party in Shatnerville with devastating consequences.
The victim, Lucas Darksabre, was drinking with friends in "The Cantina", a bar nearby to the convention when a group of Star Trek fans came in. Mr Darksabre suggested that it "Wasn't the bar they were looking for" & that "they didn't serve their kind here."
Taking exception to both Mr. Darksabre's tone and his intentional use of Star Wars quotes they asked him to repeat what he'd said. He proposed that "Dr.Spock wouldn't have that problem with ears like his."
His antagonistic, incorrect description of the Vulcan, Mr.Spock, wasn't helped by his follow-up comment that "He had Klingon trouble in his pants too."
The group, which consisted of a Vulcan, a Klingon, a giant lizard, a Borg and a man - sized tribble then set upon him, the Borg suggesting that "Resistance was futile."
A Romulan stood and watched, waiting to see who was likely to win before picking a side.
Wednesday, 27 April 2016
Wednesday, 17 February 2016
Man collapses...for being polite...
A British man collapsed today in a busy town centre after holding a door open for people for over 8 hours.
C.C.T.V footage showed that Mr Otis, of Reading, appeared to push open the door for himself at approximately 9.30 am. He held the door open for a lady, who passed through, but was unable to complete the "pass over" ceremony which allows another person to hold the door for another, and so on.
After coming - to, Mr Otis said "I'm not sure what happened. It seems I made a mistake in being civil and polite by holding the door. There were plenty of 'Thank-yous' but no-one took over! This isn't the first time it's happened, although it only lasted 30 minutes before."
It seems that this is not an isolated incident as a recent survey amongst shoppers revealed that quite often people either don't hold the door or say thank you. Some have even been seen sprinting to squeeze through the gap before the door shuts, just to avoid helping the next person.
Many shopping centres are due to install special "Door station seats." These will allow polite people to sit whilst holding the door for those who are very rude.
P.Longnose
C.C.T.V footage showed that Mr Otis, of Reading, appeared to push open the door for himself at approximately 9.30 am. He held the door open for a lady, who passed through, but was unable to complete the "pass over" ceremony which allows another person to hold the door for another, and so on.
After coming - to, Mr Otis said "I'm not sure what happened. It seems I made a mistake in being civil and polite by holding the door. There were plenty of 'Thank-yous' but no-one took over! This isn't the first time it's happened, although it only lasted 30 minutes before."
It seems that this is not an isolated incident as a recent survey amongst shoppers revealed that quite often people either don't hold the door or say thank you. Some have even been seen sprinting to squeeze through the gap before the door shuts, just to avoid helping the next person.
Many shopping centres are due to install special "Door station seats." These will allow polite people to sit whilst holding the door for those who are very rude.
P.Longnose
Thursday, 11 February 2016
Weather forecasters made redundant by social media...
Weather forecasters are fearing for their jobs following predictions that a sharp drop in temperature is due any time.
Should this drop happen, it is expected that people will bombard social media websites with photos of their car's external temperature display, with a high chance of it displaying a minus temperature.
In doing so, the forecasters and their broadcasts may become redundant, as a much more accurate and localised weather report is delivered by anybody and everybody.
Speaking about the matter, two well-respected forecasters, Michael Crab and Jim Pork, suggested that "These people don't know how damaging this can be to us. Our livelihoods are at stake!"
Should snow fall then all hell is expected to break loose, with ancient by-laws expected to be sighted by employees attempting to have a day off work without effecting their holiday entitlement.
P.Longnose
Should this drop happen, it is expected that people will bombard social media websites with photos of their car's external temperature display, with a high chance of it displaying a minus temperature.
In doing so, the forecasters and their broadcasts may become redundant, as a much more accurate and localised weather report is delivered by anybody and everybody.
Speaking about the matter, two well-respected forecasters, Michael Crab and Jim Pork, suggested that "These people don't know how damaging this can be to us. Our livelihoods are at stake!"
Should snow fall then all hell is expected to break loose, with ancient by-laws expected to be sighted by employees attempting to have a day off work without effecting their holiday entitlement.
P.Longnose
Newsnight weapon to reveal political truth...
Researchers for the BBC television programme Newsnight claim to have discovered the ultimate weapon against politicians.
According to rumours, the BBC have spent heavily in the quest to find, what the Newsnight team are calling, "The Politician's Answer Persuader" or P.A.P for short.
Speaking from a secret location under the Houses of Parliament, an anonymous source said "It's an ancient script, a weapon in fact, that when used properly reveals the key to unlocking a politicians true answer. Just imagine our interviewer, Jeremy Paxo, asking a question that the politician must answer."
To the viewer, the ritual may appear strange; Paxo would speak the P.A.P words, appropriate to his victim, in a particular tone and with a lisp throughout. He then has just 15 seconds to ask the question.
If done correctly, the interviewee will emit four loud snorts, closely followed by the truthful answer to the question, without resistance.
When asked about P.A.P, Paxo said "With this in my arsenal, no politician can refuse me. I can demolish student's confidence during Universally Challenged, that's my show, no-one else's, and soon I will be unstoppable. Mwahahahah."
M.P Jeremy Corbytrouserpress said that he was "Unsure what to do, generally."
I pointed out that I wasn't Jeremy Paxo and, as I didn't have P.A.P at my disposal, he needn't have told the truth.
P.Longnose
According to rumours, the BBC have spent heavily in the quest to find, what the Newsnight team are calling, "The Politician's Answer Persuader" or P.A.P for short.
Speaking from a secret location under the Houses of Parliament, an anonymous source said "It's an ancient script, a weapon in fact, that when used properly reveals the key to unlocking a politicians true answer. Just imagine our interviewer, Jeremy Paxo, asking a question that the politician must answer."
To the viewer, the ritual may appear strange; Paxo would speak the P.A.P words, appropriate to his victim, in a particular tone and with a lisp throughout. He then has just 15 seconds to ask the question.
If done correctly, the interviewee will emit four loud snorts, closely followed by the truthful answer to the question, without resistance.
When asked about P.A.P, Paxo said "With this in my arsenal, no politician can refuse me. I can demolish student's confidence during Universally Challenged, that's my show, no-one else's, and soon I will be unstoppable. Mwahahahah."
M.P Jeremy Corbytrouserpress said that he was "Unsure what to do, generally."
I pointed out that I wasn't Jeremy Paxo and, as I didn't have P.A.P at my disposal, he needn't have told the truth.
P.Longnose
Saturday, 6 February 2016
Not so lucky dip....
A man has complained to trading standards over a lottery ticket he bought. If his case is successful it could have dire consequences for the prize master.
He purchased a lucky dip ticket which unfortunately did not match the winning numbers drawn on the particular night. He argued that, under the sale of goods act, the ticket declares a false description of goods; it was meant to be lucky, and it wasn't.
Mr. Payneinyaarz said "It wasn't bloody lucky for me! It said on the ticket Lucky Dip. That's £2 down the drain for me, where's the luck in that? Every week I buy a lucky dip and every week it isn't lucky. I've had enough."
A fellow lotto player has been even more unlucky however. In an incident that debunked the anti-winning quote of "More chance of et.c than winning the lottery" a man was eaten by a shark after surviving a lightning strike while on holiday celebrating a jackpot win on the game.
P.Longnose
He purchased a lucky dip ticket which unfortunately did not match the winning numbers drawn on the particular night. He argued that, under the sale of goods act, the ticket declares a false description of goods; it was meant to be lucky, and it wasn't.
Mr. Payneinyaarz said "It wasn't bloody lucky for me! It said on the ticket Lucky Dip. That's £2 down the drain for me, where's the luck in that? Every week I buy a lucky dip and every week it isn't lucky. I've had enough."
A fellow lotto player has been even more unlucky however. In an incident that debunked the anti-winning quote of "More chance of et.c than winning the lottery" a man was eaten by a shark after surviving a lightning strike while on holiday celebrating a jackpot win on the game.
P.Longnose
Ancient joke causes dog's despair....
A survey has revealed that, for more than 50 years, 1000's of dogs have suffered nasal deficiencies due to one of the oldest jokes on record.
Over a long period of time many veterinary surgeries have turned away dog owner's requests to remedy their canine pet's nose problems, predominantly because of the "My dog's got no nose" joke.
Suspecting that people are having a laugh when they suggest the dog's problem, vets are ordering them to leave, leaving the poorly pooch with a host of problems, one of which is the inability to smell another dog's poop-porch. As a result these dogs not only suffer sociologically, but also they can't smell.
One vet, Dr.Doolittle, said "We just can't take the chance these days. If I had a pound for every time someone said that their dog had no nose, I'd have have almost as much extra as I have earned during my career, and I'm very rich you know, peasant."
He added "The sooner someone can take the lead and hound this joke out, the better. It is a bone of contention within the veterinary community, some of us going barking mad as a result."
P.Longnose
Over a long period of time many veterinary surgeries have turned away dog owner's requests to remedy their canine pet's nose problems, predominantly because of the "My dog's got no nose" joke.
Suspecting that people are having a laugh when they suggest the dog's problem, vets are ordering them to leave, leaving the poorly pooch with a host of problems, one of which is the inability to smell another dog's poop-porch. As a result these dogs not only suffer sociologically, but also they can't smell.
One vet, Dr.Doolittle, said "We just can't take the chance these days. If I had a pound for every time someone said that their dog had no nose, I'd have have almost as much extra as I have earned during my career, and I'm very rich you know, peasant."
He added "The sooner someone can take the lead and hound this joke out, the better. It is a bone of contention within the veterinary community, some of us going barking mad as a result."
P.Longnose
Taken for a real ride....
In a bold but not totally unexpected move, several major theme parks have set a base - limit on change that can be used.
From March 1st a five pound note will be the smallest denomination accepted across many theme parks. This is due to the average minimum beverage cost becoming £25.
Head of finance at Alldone Pleasureworld, Gerald Skweezumdry, said "This move is purely for the benefit of our customers. By minimising the need for lose change we reduce the extra weight they will be carrying around; as a consequence they will need to buy less drinks to quench thirst and reduce the extra loads on machinery. In turn this will lower the costs of ride maintenence, which would normally see an increase in costs to the customer."
Consumer groups suggested that it was merely a move to further rip people off. They proposed that the parks should slash their charges, watch the amenities degrade into disrepair, gradually make staff unemployed and allow the park to become a barren wasteland.
P.Longnose
From March 1st a five pound note will be the smallest denomination accepted across many theme parks. This is due to the average minimum beverage cost becoming £25.
Head of finance at Alldone Pleasureworld, Gerald Skweezumdry, said "This move is purely for the benefit of our customers. By minimising the need for lose change we reduce the extra weight they will be carrying around; as a consequence they will need to buy less drinks to quench thirst and reduce the extra loads on machinery. In turn this will lower the costs of ride maintenence, which would normally see an increase in costs to the customer."
Consumer groups suggested that it was merely a move to further rip people off. They proposed that the parks should slash their charges, watch the amenities degrade into disrepair, gradually make staff unemployed and allow the park to become a barren wasteland.
P.Longnose
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