A British man collapsed today in a busy town centre after holding a door open for people for over 8 hours.
C.C.T.V footage showed that Mr Otis, of Reading, appeared to push open the door for himself at approximately 9.30 am. He held the door open for a lady, who passed through, but was unable to complete the "pass over" ceremony which allows another person to hold the door for another, and so on.
After coming - to, Mr Otis said "I'm not sure what happened. It seems I made a mistake in being civil and polite by holding the door. There were plenty of 'Thank-yous' but no-one took over! This isn't the first time it's happened, although it only lasted 30 minutes before."
It seems that this is not an isolated incident as a recent survey amongst shoppers revealed that quite often people either don't hold the door or say thank you. Some have even been seen sprinting to squeeze through the gap before the door shuts, just to avoid helping the next person.
Many shopping centres are due to install special "Door station seats." These will allow polite people to sit whilst holding the door for those who are very rude.
P.Longnose
Wednesday 17 February 2016
Thursday 11 February 2016
Weather forecasters made redundant by social media...
Weather forecasters are fearing for their jobs following predictions that a sharp drop in temperature is due any time.
Should this drop happen, it is expected that people will bombard social media websites with photos of their car's external temperature display, with a high chance of it displaying a minus temperature.
In doing so, the forecasters and their broadcasts may become redundant, as a much more accurate and localised weather report is delivered by anybody and everybody.
Speaking about the matter, two well-respected forecasters, Michael Crab and Jim Pork, suggested that "These people don't know how damaging this can be to us. Our livelihoods are at stake!"
Should snow fall then all hell is expected to break loose, with ancient by-laws expected to be sighted by employees attempting to have a day off work without effecting their holiday entitlement.
P.Longnose
Should this drop happen, it is expected that people will bombard social media websites with photos of their car's external temperature display, with a high chance of it displaying a minus temperature.
In doing so, the forecasters and their broadcasts may become redundant, as a much more accurate and localised weather report is delivered by anybody and everybody.
Speaking about the matter, two well-respected forecasters, Michael Crab and Jim Pork, suggested that "These people don't know how damaging this can be to us. Our livelihoods are at stake!"
Should snow fall then all hell is expected to break loose, with ancient by-laws expected to be sighted by employees attempting to have a day off work without effecting their holiday entitlement.
P.Longnose
Newsnight weapon to reveal political truth...
Researchers for the BBC television programme Newsnight claim to have discovered the ultimate weapon against politicians.
According to rumours, the BBC have spent heavily in the quest to find, what the Newsnight team are calling, "The Politician's Answer Persuader" or P.A.P for short.
Speaking from a secret location under the Houses of Parliament, an anonymous source said "It's an ancient script, a weapon in fact, that when used properly reveals the key to unlocking a politicians true answer. Just imagine our interviewer, Jeremy Paxo, asking a question that the politician must answer."
To the viewer, the ritual may appear strange; Paxo would speak the P.A.P words, appropriate to his victim, in a particular tone and with a lisp throughout. He then has just 15 seconds to ask the question.
If done correctly, the interviewee will emit four loud snorts, closely followed by the truthful answer to the question, without resistance.
When asked about P.A.P, Paxo said "With this in my arsenal, no politician can refuse me. I can demolish student's confidence during Universally Challenged, that's my show, no-one else's, and soon I will be unstoppable. Mwahahahah."
M.P Jeremy Corbytrouserpress said that he was "Unsure what to do, generally."
I pointed out that I wasn't Jeremy Paxo and, as I didn't have P.A.P at my disposal, he needn't have told the truth.
P.Longnose
According to rumours, the BBC have spent heavily in the quest to find, what the Newsnight team are calling, "The Politician's Answer Persuader" or P.A.P for short.
Speaking from a secret location under the Houses of Parliament, an anonymous source said "It's an ancient script, a weapon in fact, that when used properly reveals the key to unlocking a politicians true answer. Just imagine our interviewer, Jeremy Paxo, asking a question that the politician must answer."
To the viewer, the ritual may appear strange; Paxo would speak the P.A.P words, appropriate to his victim, in a particular tone and with a lisp throughout. He then has just 15 seconds to ask the question.
If done correctly, the interviewee will emit four loud snorts, closely followed by the truthful answer to the question, without resistance.
When asked about P.A.P, Paxo said "With this in my arsenal, no politician can refuse me. I can demolish student's confidence during Universally Challenged, that's my show, no-one else's, and soon I will be unstoppable. Mwahahahah."
M.P Jeremy Corbytrouserpress said that he was "Unsure what to do, generally."
I pointed out that I wasn't Jeremy Paxo and, as I didn't have P.A.P at my disposal, he needn't have told the truth.
P.Longnose
Saturday 6 February 2016
Not so lucky dip....
A man has complained to trading standards over a lottery ticket he bought. If his case is successful it could have dire consequences for the prize master.
He purchased a lucky dip ticket which unfortunately did not match the winning numbers drawn on the particular night. He argued that, under the sale of goods act, the ticket declares a false description of goods; it was meant to be lucky, and it wasn't.
Mr. Payneinyaarz said "It wasn't bloody lucky for me! It said on the ticket Lucky Dip. That's £2 down the drain for me, where's the luck in that? Every week I buy a lucky dip and every week it isn't lucky. I've had enough."
A fellow lotto player has been even more unlucky however. In an incident that debunked the anti-winning quote of "More chance of et.c than winning the lottery" a man was eaten by a shark after surviving a lightning strike while on holiday celebrating a jackpot win on the game.
P.Longnose
He purchased a lucky dip ticket which unfortunately did not match the winning numbers drawn on the particular night. He argued that, under the sale of goods act, the ticket declares a false description of goods; it was meant to be lucky, and it wasn't.
Mr. Payneinyaarz said "It wasn't bloody lucky for me! It said on the ticket Lucky Dip. That's £2 down the drain for me, where's the luck in that? Every week I buy a lucky dip and every week it isn't lucky. I've had enough."
A fellow lotto player has been even more unlucky however. In an incident that debunked the anti-winning quote of "More chance of et.c than winning the lottery" a man was eaten by a shark after surviving a lightning strike while on holiday celebrating a jackpot win on the game.
P.Longnose
Ancient joke causes dog's despair....
A survey has revealed that, for more than 50 years, 1000's of dogs have suffered nasal deficiencies due to one of the oldest jokes on record.
Over a long period of time many veterinary surgeries have turned away dog owner's requests to remedy their canine pet's nose problems, predominantly because of the "My dog's got no nose" joke.
Suspecting that people are having a laugh when they suggest the dog's problem, vets are ordering them to leave, leaving the poorly pooch with a host of problems, one of which is the inability to smell another dog's poop-porch. As a result these dogs not only suffer sociologically, but also they can't smell.
One vet, Dr.Doolittle, said "We just can't take the chance these days. If I had a pound for every time someone said that their dog had no nose, I'd have have almost as much extra as I have earned during my career, and I'm very rich you know, peasant."
He added "The sooner someone can take the lead and hound this joke out, the better. It is a bone of contention within the veterinary community, some of us going barking mad as a result."
P.Longnose
Over a long period of time many veterinary surgeries have turned away dog owner's requests to remedy their canine pet's nose problems, predominantly because of the "My dog's got no nose" joke.
Suspecting that people are having a laugh when they suggest the dog's problem, vets are ordering them to leave, leaving the poorly pooch with a host of problems, one of which is the inability to smell another dog's poop-porch. As a result these dogs not only suffer sociologically, but also they can't smell.
One vet, Dr.Doolittle, said "We just can't take the chance these days. If I had a pound for every time someone said that their dog had no nose, I'd have have almost as much extra as I have earned during my career, and I'm very rich you know, peasant."
He added "The sooner someone can take the lead and hound this joke out, the better. It is a bone of contention within the veterinary community, some of us going barking mad as a result."
P.Longnose
Taken for a real ride....
In a bold but not totally unexpected move, several major theme parks have set a base - limit on change that can be used.
From March 1st a five pound note will be the smallest denomination accepted across many theme parks. This is due to the average minimum beverage cost becoming £25.
Head of finance at Alldone Pleasureworld, Gerald Skweezumdry, said "This move is purely for the benefit of our customers. By minimising the need for lose change we reduce the extra weight they will be carrying around; as a consequence they will need to buy less drinks to quench thirst and reduce the extra loads on machinery. In turn this will lower the costs of ride maintenence, which would normally see an increase in costs to the customer."
Consumer groups suggested that it was merely a move to further rip people off. They proposed that the parks should slash their charges, watch the amenities degrade into disrepair, gradually make staff unemployed and allow the park to become a barren wasteland.
P.Longnose
From March 1st a five pound note will be the smallest denomination accepted across many theme parks. This is due to the average minimum beverage cost becoming £25.
Head of finance at Alldone Pleasureworld, Gerald Skweezumdry, said "This move is purely for the benefit of our customers. By minimising the need for lose change we reduce the extra weight they will be carrying around; as a consequence they will need to buy less drinks to quench thirst and reduce the extra loads on machinery. In turn this will lower the costs of ride maintenence, which would normally see an increase in costs to the customer."
Consumer groups suggested that it was merely a move to further rip people off. They proposed that the parks should slash their charges, watch the amenities degrade into disrepair, gradually make staff unemployed and allow the park to become a barren wasteland.
P.Longnose
Fans accidentally celebrate own team's victory...
Huge uproar broke out across various social media platforms today after it seemed that some football fans actually celebrated their own team's victory. Instead of highlighting a rival team's failings, the group made comments that suggested they were pleased with the result and felt their team was on the up.
Fellow fans of the team were thrown into confusion as they were so used to automatically bad-mouthing their rivals, that they found themselves incapable of praising their own club.
Speaking on behalf of a group of regular "supporters" and not this rogue group, I. Makembyte argued that they only do it to wind up rivals and it wasn't to do with the fact they had nothing decent to say about their own team.
Going forwards, Mr. Makembyte added, "We are offering counselling to our lost supporters, part of which will be learning more about our rival clubs than our own. This way balance can be restored and we can all revel in the failure of the opposition and not the potential success of our own team."
P.Longnose
Friday 5 February 2016
The wind blew and now you're ugly....
In what is being referred to as the biggest "weather-based cock-up" since Michael Fish got his forecast so very,very wrong in 1987, hundreds of children have been left with distorted faces.
It has been reported that whilst children were pulling faces, as they do, across the country, the wind changed direction, with terrible consequences.
As was predicted by many adults, the children's faces stayed like it.
Mrs I.Told-ewe-sew, referring to her daughter, said "I told her so."
"It's been pot-luck to be fair, like other parents, I've been spouting this twaddle out since the kids have understood me. It won't stop me; even though I've been proven right about the wind changing direction, I'll keep trying to clean her face with spit on an old tissue and keep her away from swans, as they can break a man's arm!"
No children could comment due to their inability to speak without sounding like the Elephant Man, who was not an animal.
P.Longnose
It has been reported that whilst children were pulling faces, as they do, across the country, the wind changed direction, with terrible consequences.
As was predicted by many adults, the children's faces stayed like it.
Mrs I.Told-ewe-sew, referring to her daughter, said "I told her so."
"It's been pot-luck to be fair, like other parents, I've been spouting this twaddle out since the kids have understood me. It won't stop me; even though I've been proven right about the wind changing direction, I'll keep trying to clean her face with spit on an old tissue and keep her away from swans, as they can break a man's arm!"
No children could comment due to their inability to speak without sounding like the Elephant Man, who was not an animal.
P.Longnose
Budget supermarket users impervious to "Bagattack"..
Long-term shoppers at Aldi have been under scrutiny from retail psychological researchers over the past few months following hundreds of cases of "Bagattacks."
Since the 5p bag charge has come into effect, many retailers have reported that new types of panic attacks have been occurring at their checkouts. Customers have been paying for their goods and then suddenly realising that they haven't brought a bag with them.
Where these cases of "Bagattacks" have happened, people have exhibited behaviour such as panting, shaking and breaking into cold sweats. Despite the fact that staff have explained that it is just 5p for a bag and not armegeddon, it has taken several minutes to calm them down, with some people being taken to A nd E to wait with others with life threatening injuries such as a nasty cold or stubbed toe.
Shoppers at Aldi,as a result of reusing their bags, generate a high level of a chemical called "Knotardchusbringabag" and as such have a high resistance to this terrible affliction. For those who suffer from this problem, it is being recommended that they get a grip and sort themselves out or just pay the 5p and relax.
Since the 5p bag charge has come into effect, many retailers have reported that new types of panic attacks have been occurring at their checkouts. Customers have been paying for their goods and then suddenly realising that they haven't brought a bag with them.
Where these cases of "Bagattacks" have happened, people have exhibited behaviour such as panting, shaking and breaking into cold sweats. Despite the fact that staff have explained that it is just 5p for a bag and not armegeddon, it has taken several minutes to calm them down, with some people being taken to A nd E to wait with others with life threatening injuries such as a nasty cold or stubbed toe.
Shoppers at Aldi,as a result of reusing their bags, generate a high level of a chemical called "Knotardchusbringabag" and as such have a high resistance to this terrible affliction. For those who suffer from this problem, it is being recommended that they get a grip and sort themselves out or just pay the 5p and relax.
Facebook to add "Couldn't give a monkeys" button...
Rumours are circulating that Facebook users will soon be able to indicate their complete disinterest in someone's post by using a new icon.
Situated alongside the "Like" image, which some people seem to use when a user's post is not meant to be liked anyway and is inappropriate, a small monkey's face with a bored expression can be used.
By tapping on the banana-loving chap, it will be clear to see just how many "friends" couldn't actually give a monkey's about the fact you've checked into another place for the umpteenth time in one day.
Allegedly, the ex - England manager Graham Taylor has also been approached regarding copyright issues over his trademark term "Do I not like that" as it is thought the social media all - knowing website wants to incorporate this option for users also.
P.Longnose
Situated alongside the "Like" image, which some people seem to use when a user's post is not meant to be liked anyway and is inappropriate, a small monkey's face with a bored expression can be used.
By tapping on the banana-loving chap, it will be clear to see just how many "friends" couldn't actually give a monkey's about the fact you've checked into another place for the umpteenth time in one day.
Allegedly, the ex - England manager Graham Taylor has also been approached regarding copyright issues over his trademark term "Do I not like that" as it is thought the social media all - knowing website wants to incorporate this option for users also.
P.Longnose
Thursday 4 February 2016
Men dangerously close to slipping up...
The vast majority of "how-to" websites have recently reported a major down turn in hits and interaction with the public.
An expert in the field, Mr.I. M'betturthanyu, has suggested the reason behind this is quite simple.
"It seems that it is being suggested by using these sites, men are, in essence, using an instruction book; something that is simply unacceptable."
Your typical obstinate man of course refuses to use, and in most cases even acknowledge,the presence of an instruction manual. It is viewed as a form of weakness, who needs a manual to work anything anyway?
Several retailers over the years have seen countless items returned, fully working, because it is claimed they didn't work. In actual fact all of these devices were fine; the reason for return was logged as "Failure of a non-mechanical component."
The beligured websites are hastily rehashing their content and design in an effort to suggest they are not guides but an "Ideal place to rest one's eyes whilst breezing through a particular task." Many electrical device manufacturers are expected to follow suit with their instruc.. leaflets.
Mr. I. M'betturthanyu was at pains to add that he couldn't even spell "instruction" and had never asked for help in his life.
P.Longnose
An expert in the field, Mr.I. M'betturthanyu, has suggested the reason behind this is quite simple.
"It seems that it is being suggested by using these sites, men are, in essence, using an instruction book; something that is simply unacceptable."
Your typical obstinate man of course refuses to use, and in most cases even acknowledge,the presence of an instruction manual. It is viewed as a form of weakness, who needs a manual to work anything anyway?
Several retailers over the years have seen countless items returned, fully working, because it is claimed they didn't work. In actual fact all of these devices were fine; the reason for return was logged as "Failure of a non-mechanical component."
The beligured websites are hastily rehashing their content and design in an effort to suggest they are not guides but an "Ideal place to rest one's eyes whilst breezing through a particular task." Many electrical device manufacturers are expected to follow suit with their instruc.. leaflets.
Mr. I. M'betturthanyu was at pains to add that he couldn't even spell "instruction" and had never asked for help in his life.
P.Longnose
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